lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
