Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
