the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
