just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
