Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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