tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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