Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
