Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize