You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
