I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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