My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
