She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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