so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
