well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize