so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
