You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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