I'm jealous of your bromance
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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