It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
