Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
