I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
