you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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