I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
