i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
