My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
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