And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
