How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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