she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
