my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
