Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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