Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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