I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
