how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
