My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize