We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
