the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
