i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Boobs are out for the taking
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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