well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
