I wannas sexs uuuuu
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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