I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
