my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
