I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
