WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
