I'm really into asian looking animals
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
