omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
