seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
