we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
