Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
