Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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