Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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