Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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