So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
