pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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