i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
