Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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