A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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