Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
