Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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