You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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