i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
