We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
