How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
